Newbie Mama

Sometimes I look back on those first few days (weeks, months) after Lizzy was born and I just have to shake my head...I had no idea what I was doing. I tried real hard and I know that sweet babe has never lacked loving for a second of her life, but man. Newbie status. All day, everyday. I know a few months from now, I'll look at today and think exactly the same thing.

Lizzy girl, you'll always be so loved, so cherished, and so, so deeply wanted, but you're always going to be the first.

My first.

My first try at getting this mama thing right. I often feel like I'm failing. I think about times I should have fed you better. Dressed you warmer. Swaddled you tighter. Not let you cry as long. Run to you sooner when you woke up. Disciplined you more. Disciplined you less.

I'm never going to be a perfect mama, baby girl.

One thing that's become so clear to me in these past 16 months is that God is constantly, continually renewing and redoing and growing and fixing. You have changed SO much. The background on my phone is a picture of you when you were only one week old. When I see you how big and strong you are, I'm amazed. You're so resilient and yet so very moldable.

It gives me hope that just because I messed up today, it doesn't mean that I've messed YOU up. You are your own little person with your own little soul and to think that I have the power to destroy that simply by not feeding you well enough is nothing short of crazy.

The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. -Romans 5: 20-21

Your life reminds me that grace reigns through Jesus Christ. That while I will sin against God and against you, His grace is enough. His grace is enough for me. Your soul is eternal and everlasting and so, so strong. It cannot be destroyed.

And while this guiding this little soul a HUGE responsibility, it also gives me hope. I am so sorry for the ways I have failed you and the ways that I will continue to fail you. But baby, I'll never throw you out with the bathwater. I'll never give up on you, and because of you, I'll never give up on me. As you've changed, so have I.

Through all my everyday failings, I know that God has given me everything I need to be your mama. Simply because I AM your mama.

Lately, everytime you want something or you need help. you say "Mommmmyyyy!!!" Though I hope that eventually "Mommy" becomes my name, it makes me smile so much. You've associated "Mommy" with help and your needs being met. What an honor it is to do that for you, little bug. It's a beautiful thing to be needed like you need me. I've never been needed like this before.

Adorable pics by my adorable sissy!