Mommy fears

I love my bedroom. I love my bed (a lot. It's memory foam. It's awesome.) I love that the windows let in the cool night air. But I want to wake up to this. To mountains and lakes. To God's decorating instead of mine.

On Wednesday, Jimi came to work and ate lunch with me. I told him that I thought we should go camping...on Friday. We tentatively made plans and I even told a few people we were going. And then last night I totally backed out. It was late (too many Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D episodes...oops). I didn't think I could pull all the stuff together. I turned into a total chicken.

Then this morning I figured, naw, I can do this. And I got out the tent and the sleeping bags. Then I chickened out again and thought, "maybe we can sleep outside in the backyard!" (Knowing full well it won't happen.)

Then I decided, no. We're doing this. We're going camping. With a 15 month old. We're going to wake up somewhere beautiful tomorrow. So Jimi got out the rest of the gear. And we're going tonight after work. Hopefully.

I don't know where all this indecision is coming from. This fear to try things, to let my baby experience things. Heck, I'm afraid of her getting a misquito bite. I freaked when one landed on her the other night. My brain just runs wild and I think, "What if that one had West Nile Virus? Is that even still a thing? What if she scratches it and scars that sweet baby skin? What if she gets sick? What if I can't protect her from everything?"

Well, here's the truth bomb. I can't. I can't protect her from everything. I have a toddler whose first word when she wakes up everyday is "Outside!" Outside. Outside. Tears until we go Outside. And Outside can be a scary place. There is concrete to scrape knees on. Dirt to eat. Naughty kids to imitate. Bugs that sting and hills to fall down. And by keeping her away from all those scary things (that she isn't scared of at all!) I'm also keeping her away from beauty. God made Outside. I made inside. It's our haven, yes, but while sheltering us from the bad, it can also keep out the good.

My heart longs for adventure and beauty and Outside, just like my sweet girl. But I've learned to suppress that longing with comfort and air conditioning and a fridge full of food. I've learned to fear being hurt or hot or hungry. Even my really legit tent seems a bit more rustic that it did a few years ago.

I don't know how tonight will go. We might end up driving back at 3 am. And if we do that's ok. I'm not going to get angry or complain. I'm not going to worry about Lizzy's schedule or my own agenda. (ok. I might worry a little). But I'm going to try my very very best to just trust that what God made is good and worth discomfort to experience.

So here's to more Outside and less fear. I'll let you know how it goes.